We named our party play list daddy issues
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
