Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
