i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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