I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
