I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
