I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
