can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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