he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize