I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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