i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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