you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
