Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
