I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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