Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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