Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
