I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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