when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
