I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
