Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize