There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
