she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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