the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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