Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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