i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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