a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
