New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
