i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
