nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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