nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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