Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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