I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize
