I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
