Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
