marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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