I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
The beer is more important than you right now.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
MIDGETS
????
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
