dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize