After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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