Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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