WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
