it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You ruined the universe
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
