For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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