shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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