I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
