I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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