she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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