My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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