I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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