We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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