Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
