she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
