I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
