I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
