He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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