I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I want to have your abortion
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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