just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I could make wine with my vomit
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
