nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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