My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
