Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
so much tequila, so little girl.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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